Muppets for Diversity, Equity and Inclusion
Jon Reisman
Sesame Street is now a property of HBO, which has made the Muppets even more woke and insufferable then they were on PBS. There are now specific BIPOC and LGBTQ Muppets, and Sesame Street has apologized for earlier incarnations, which apparently promoted systemic racism, implicit bias and white supremacy. I was a big fan of the Muppet Show back in the day, and I wondered how some of my favorite iconic characters would fare in wokeville.
Statler and Waldorf: My role models: The two cisgender male geezers with toxic masculinity issues cannot possibly have a bright future. They are angry white males, entitled, critical of everyone and might be Republicans. With Social Security and Medicare on shaky financial grounds, expect these two to go (but probably not quietly) into the ratings dumpster.
Animal: Trans pioneer: Animal has found work in a GEICO commercial, but unless he becomes a she, his persona will not translate well. Hormone therapy might be a welcome storyline that keeps them (preferred pronoun) on the air.
Miss Piggy: Plus model: Most likely to be banned by Big Tech for misinformation, claiming that obesity not a covid co-morbidity. Plus fat shaming taboo. May be able to find gainful employment as a plus model for Victoria secret, but nationwide supply chain bacon shortage does not bode well.
Beaker and Bunsen Honeydew: Vaccine Hesitant Entrepreneurs: Beaker lost his job as a health care lab tech because he was vaccine hesitant (as he was in all things). Efforts by his boss, Prof. Bunsen, to protect his too loyal subaltern were rejected by Maine Governor Mills and Maine CDC Director Nirav Shah. They are now running a meth lab in a trailer previously designated for affordable housing.
Fozzie Bear: Kamala Staffer: Fozzie, whose aspirations to being a stand-up comic were hampered by terrible material and systemic racism against bears, has found employment as a speechwriter/spokesbear for Vice-President Giggles.
Sam the Eagle: Insurrectionist: Sam was arrested for invading the Capitol and disrespecting Nancy Pelosi and AOC on Jan 6. He is currently rotting in a DC jail and pleading with Interior Secretary and Native American Haaland to release him in recognition of his Endangered Species status.
Swedish Chef: Banned by Big Tech: Banished by Big Tech for reviving the memory of Robert Bork as Democrats attempt to simultaneously cower and pack the Supreme Court, and Justice Sotomayor reminds the entire nation what an (un)wise Latina looks like.
Gonzo: SCOTUS nominee: Gonzo is now a late night talk show host and is on President Brandon’s short list of potential Supreme Court nominees. Rumor has it that both Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema have assured the White House of their support.
Kermit: Climate Czar: After the re-release of “It’s not Easy Being Green” and his star turn as Sancho Panza aiding Don Quixote tilt at windmills, Kermit is set to replace John Kerry as climate czar so he can virtue signal, damage America and give gigolos a bad name. He will be a worthy successor.
Jon Reisman is an associate professor of economics and public policy at the University of Maine at Machias. His views are his own. Mr. Reisman welcomes comments as letters to the editor here, or to him directly via email at [email protected].