Jon Reisman

Left Calls for Trigger Warnings on Professor’s Columns, Safe Space Declaration on Masthead
After two plus years of leftist wailing and pleas to please rid them of this troublesome professor, Ministry of Truth minions and wounded social justice warriors informed the publisher of the Machias Valley News Observer and The Calais Advertiser that if he insisted on continuing to publish offensive white supremacist domestic terrorist coddling rants that those columns must have a Diversity, Equity and Inclusion Committee approved trigger warning affixed to the beginning of the column to protect sensitive young minds from possibly questioning leftist doctrine.
Washington County socialists sited the groundbreaking legal theories promoted by Native American Senator and former Harvard Law Professor Elizabeth Warren and  1619 Project Pulitzer Prize winner Nikole Hannah Jones that the First Amendment does not apply to hateful conservative speech that belittles, satirizes, offends or makes fun of leftist shibboleths, most especially including critical race theory (which is not taught in public schools), systemic racism, Black Lives Matter, Antifa and preferred pronouns. They demanded that the offending Professor be placed on double secret probation and sent to Diversity, Equity and Inclusion reeducation camp, and that the newspapers affix “safe space” and rainbow flags to the mastheads of the paper or face investigation and prosecution as enemies of the progressive state.

Brandon Administration Unleashes the FBI on Political Opponents
US Attorney General Merrick Garland confirmed that at the direct order of President Brandon and Vice-President Giggles, he was prepared to unleash the FBI on any and all domestic terrorists, including parents, Trump supporters, opponents of critical race theory, Diversity, Equity and Inclusion and most especially conservatives seeking to influence American elections and culture. Garland vowed to have Canadian professor Jordan Peterson placed on the No Fly list, and suggested that every racist Republican Senator, as well as Senators Sinema and Manchin would soon be joining him because in declining to nuke the filibuster that had protected the Jim Crow voter suppression regime.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi vowed to repurpose the January 6th inquisition as a reconstituted House Un-American Activities Committee and to charge Liz Cheney, Adam Schiff and Eric Swalwell with the responsibility of ridding America of all these wicked witches promoting misinformation, disobedience and disunity. Quoting the alien captors of Captain Pike in the Star Trek pilot episode “The Cage,” Pelosi said “Wrong thinking will be punished…right thinking will be just as quickly rewarded”.

Three Muppets Complain After Being Left Out of DEI Column
My column on Muppets in wokeville was offered as a humorous respite from trenchant political criticism of President Brandon, but it evidently struck a few leftist nerves. I inadvertently left out some of my favorite Muppets:

Cookie Monster: Gluten, Lactose Intolerant
The Cookie Monster was diagnosed as gluten and lactose intolerant, so no more milk and cookies for you!

Oscar: Homeless
Oscar was evicted from his Trash Can for failing to recycle and is now homeless.

Count Von Count: Racist Cancelled
The Count has been removed from the show because Math is racist.

Jon Reisman is an associate professor of economics and public policy at the University of Maine at Machias. His views are his own. Mr. Reisman welcomes comments as letters to the editor here, or to him directly via email at [email protected].